From my notes app to your phone…
Following a series of comical setbacks, last minute travel plans, Mercury retrograde, and a full moon during an eclipse - I’ve finally caught Covid.
First off, I’m beyond grateful that my symptoms are pretty non-existent (thank you vaccinations and booster!), and that I found out I tested positive while on a zoom call with my therapist1. Second, quarantine is utterly mind numbing. I am bored out of my mind. I’ve sat here staring into the screen for a solid thirty minutes trying to think of something to write and I’m comin’ up empty.
So instead of rehashing my trip to Chicago (it was lovely), or reviewing ‘AP Bio’ (it’s meh…), here’s a list of random shit I’ve written in my notes app - with little to no context - for your reading pleasure.
Just saw a young woman put her blanket and neck support pillow on the bathroom floor of the airport so she could dry her hands using the air dryer; then watched her scoop them back up and nuzzle them as she walked out.
Someone drove down my block screaming “THIS GIRL IS ON FIIIIIYAAAAAAAAAA”, off key. 6/10 performance, only because they held back at the end.
Are white millennial queer’s ok? Y’all look like you found a bunch of unused boxes of 2002 Manic Panic in the storage room of a Hot Topic, and made an emotional last minute decision about your Friday night plans.2
When I was a yoga teacher people would come up to me after class and say weird shit like “You should narrate childrens books”. I don’t know why a human being would ever say that to another human being. The next time you think of saying this to someone, don’t. It’s creepy.
Among one of my top five favorite insults? “If you tried to clap your hands, you’d miss.”3
I was out on a walk, and some dude pointed at me, and yelled “PLANTS!” really aggressively. It took me a beat to realize he was pointing to my shirt which is green, and has the word PLANTS written across it in large white capital letters. Never wearing this shirt in public again.4
My neighborhood is beyond weird. Once, someone set off professional grade fireworks on the corner of the street and just walked away. At 9AM. On a weekday. In October.
My doctor told me I have “gorgeous thyroids.”
Eating lunch in Park Slope is an exercise in self control because people will say things like “If voting mattered it would be illegal,” and you can’t punch them in the face.5
Things I say to Adam: “How come everything from IKEA, including the cardboard, has a specific smell?”
The 2015 WKC Dog Show featured a Pomeranian named Starfire’s Spank Me Hard Call Me Crazy, a Basset Hound named Easthill Broxden Woodland Lettuce Entertain You, and a Border Terrier named McHill’s His Royal Highness Prince Gizmo of Gremlin.6
That’s all for this week kiddos. Keep your fingers crossed that I test negative soon, get boosted if you haven’t already, and stay masked up in public.
-Monica (they/them)
I took the test bc a family member had tested positive, and I was being cautious. Five minutes into my session, my phone alarm went off letting me know the test was ready to be read. Saying “fuck”, and laughing in frustration were about the only things I was able to do for the rest of our allotted time. I guess if you’re gonna find out you have Covid, there’s no better time than when you’re on a call with a mental health care professional.
I genuinely don’t give AF what you do with your hair (I dyed mine for yeeeeears) but if you’re gonna dye it then be prepared to invest in it. Don’t dye your hair, and then let it grow out and look all faded and nasty. That is some privileged white person nonsense right there that we are not going to perpetuate, my dear fellow white queers. ESPECIALLY not when you have the disposable income to get it dyed in the first place. You are an adult. Handle. Your. Sh*t.
This one, along with many of my other favs, comes from VEEP; arguably one of the greatest shows of all time.
I have in fact worn this shirt again many times in public, and I’m wearing it right now.
I know you’ve signed up to donate to Fair Fight or to write letters for Vote Forward, right? RIGHT?!
This is true. It’s also true that despite being a favorite among dog-lovers, there has never been a Chihuahua, Great Dane, Dachshund, or Golden Retriever crowned "Best in Show."